Fire or Ice
As Robert Frost put it, “some say the world will end in fire, some say in ice”. But who prefers fire, and who prefers the ice?
A concept and thought I constantly battle with is what is worse, not being able to say goodbye, or saying goodbye and knowing it is the last time? What is worse, Alzheimer’s or a tragic death such as cancer, a car crash, a heart attack, or violence.
This concept of trying to grapple with what is worse plagues me daily. Trying to figure out if I’m being overly dramatic, or if my pain is real and valid. I feel pain for the families who have to see their family members go through treatment, but also envy their chance to have one last laugh, one last conversation, and one last ‘I love you’. Those are the luxuries that I will never have, and I took for granted so many years ago.
Now, I don’t want to come off as a person wishing my mother was experiencing a different illness. I wouldn’t be the same person today if she didn’t have this particular disease, at this particular time, and with the setup of the events that have unfolded throughout my so far short, eventful life.
What I am trying to say is, is that I often wonder what it would be like to have one last conversation with her. I hardly remember her as a stand alone person, something that my family members have to remind me and educate me on. But to have one hour just to talk about everything and nothing. I don’t even know what I would do with that time. I would probably just want to sit there with her, my head on her lap, and have her long, red nails comb through my hair as we sit in silence. I think that’s what I miss the most, just the touch. Many people don’t appreciate just their parents touch until it’s gone. Like how my dad does this three pat and rub motion as he hugs me and my siblings. Those small details reign supreme in the end of it all. Or maybe I’m just hyper-fixated on small details haha.
Hopping off my soapbox now